Pale Green Things

My father died this week. I had been out of contact with him for over 15 years. These are the kinds of words that usually start a novel, but they are reality for me. I find myself dealing with feelings that really can't be described and most people can not imagine. 

Without going into too much detail, I had a very difficult childhood. My father was a very unstable person. My parents divorced when I was pretty young and I still had to see my dad on a regular basis. I spent a lot of childhood waiting to turn 18, when I legally didn't have to see him anymore. 

Years later I would discover The Mountain Goats album "The Sunset Tree" and the hit single "This Year" which is, about this very subject. I don't think people misunderstand the meaning of the song, a lot of people bring their own meaning into works of art, but "This Year" is about that. 

Towards high school I got involved in the drama club's set crew which was mainly an excuse for me to get out of seeing my dad. This was also why I was in the Boy Scouts and went on every single campout. On the day I graduated I hid in the basement while my dad showed up and my family covered for me so I didn't have to say hello to him. These are the sort of things you do to protect yourself, and it's absurd and stupid. 

So then we get to the end of "The Sunset Tree" and the song "Pale Green Things" A song I listened to but was, somehow, yearning to know the meaning of the song. I knew that one day he'd go, but it happened a lot sooner than I expected. "Pale Green Things" is a country that not a lot of people will ever visit, and from the outside feels indescribable, but from the inside - somehow captures the lightness and weight.